In the event of a fire alarm:

  1. Turn the toaster off.
  2. Turn the kitchen fan on, and close the door behind you as you leave.
  3. Move the boxes away from the hall cupboard door. This may take some time.
  4. Enter the hall cupboard backwards, turning on the light, then reach above you and open the cover over the electricity breaker switch box.
  5. Turn the ‘smoke alarm’ breaker off.
  6. Return to the kitchen and butter the only very slightly-charred toast.
  7. Notice the secondary alarm.
  8. Attempt to locate secondary alarm.
  9. Notice that the normally-flashing light on the alarm panel is no longer flashing. Become suspicious.
  10. Open hall cupboard again. By tactile inspection, locate the specific box that’s making horrid noises.
  11. Inspect that box for an ‘off’ switch. There is none, but check anyway.
  12. Return to kitchen. Move around bottles etc on counter to allow access to the ‘I’ll never need this stuff’ drawer. Leaf through for alarm booklet.
  13. Catch the little slip of paper bearing the alarm code, preferably before it falls on the buttered toast.
  14. Enter code into alarm panel. This may require additional movement of boxes.
  15. Complete toast/marmalade connection: begin to enjoy toast and tea.
  16. Notice secondary alarm has restarted.
  17. [optional: in the event of insufficient toast smoke clearance (impossible to judge, since this level of toast smoke is discernible only to the smoke detector), the only option is to decide which of the alarm ‘low battery’ and smoke detector ‘major conflagration’ alarms is least objectionable.]
  18. [optional: in the even of sufficient toast smoke clearance, turn the smoke detector back on, then reset the alarm panel again.]
  19. In the even that not all alarms are now silenced, we recommend immediate evacuation, since in all likelihood the building is either burning down or being burgled.

Have a nice day.

3 thoughts on “In the event of a fire alarm:”

  1. Yep, they’re the most obnoxiously designed necessities on the planet.
    Which is why people so often tape over the sensors or take out the batteries….

  2. In the event of a real conflagration have you backed up your disks?
    Are the disk(s) in a safe place?
    Any insurance?
    Overnight bag with emergency supplies?
    I think I am your next of kin unless you have made a will, but maybe Scottish Law is different

  3. I side effect of the power monitoring capabilities of modern smoke alarms is that in the event of a power cut they go off too. That’s just in case, at 11:30pm, you haven’t noticed how dark it’s suddenly become… đŸ˜‰

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