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Every now and then, I remember why I don’t watch very much TV. Turning over from ‘My breasts are too big’ on C4, I hear on BBC1 ‘Mark once trained to be an astro-physicist. He’s been a rail cop for eleven years.’ Mark then proceeds to gallantly check the toilets for offensive graffiti.

At least on ITV1 we have celebrities trying to cook for 250 schoolkids without serving them all chips. ‘Celeriac? Sounds like a disease.’ Quality.

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